A Long Time Coming

This post is more of a test than anything else!

Grief has been a part of my life since I was a very small child. I lost my father at a very early age, I never knew my mother's parents, barely knew my paternal grandfather before he passed away and so many others. There is also the grief and pain that comes not only from physical death or dying but of the hurts and heartaches of everyday life. I doubt that I am unique, I'm sure I've lost less than many people, including my mother who was orphaned by age 7.

For many years I thought I had to be sad forever over sad occurrences in my life. I bore loss deeply and tended to stay lost in it, as if that would change anything, as if any of those who were missing from my life would have wanted me to do so. I was just an old soul who felt things very deeply. Now that I'm old, my soul is more child-like and I find joy in nearly everything in my life, even in sorrow.

I know now that I can remember the good and still honor the memory of all that's been lost. I can feel pain until it isn't there anymore and replace it with gladness that whatever is missing was there for me at all. I am grateful that the world has been so patient with me. I am grateful for so many things, so many experiences, so many people that have filled my life to this point. It is with that viewpoint that I find great appreciation for the following words:

“What's lost is nothing to what's found, and all the death that ever was, set next to life, would scarcely fill a cup.”― Frederick Buechner

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 46% Type 4 Individualism |||||||||||| 42% Type 5 Intellectualism |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 6 Security Focus |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||| 38% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 50% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 58% Your main type is 1 Your variant is social

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JFK Civil Rights Address 1963

Borrow Lenses Camera Giveaway

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Hazy Skies Giveaway

Hazy Skies Giveaway

Camera lens giveaway and a $200 shopping spree

What Do You See?

There's a lot going on in my life right now. I'm in Indiana again, visiting the home where I grew up, wanting to be here in October one more time while the colors are so flashy and the air cool and crisp. Sweater weather!

Of course things never go the way we plan. The colors really haven't started changing yet, at least not to the extent that I wanted to see and experience. When I got here, the yards were still green and people still mowing in late October. Maybe it's global warming slowing down the seasons, delaying the inevitable cold which finally came the other morning along with a nice snowfall... an inch of the pure white stuff but it didn't last long and was gone by mid-day.

Then Mom had a spell with her heart later the same day. We ended up calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital where she spent the night and most of the next day making sure she wasn't having a heart attack or anything severe. Her blood work and EKGs were normal throughout her stay, indicating she was just suffering from angina, probably caused from stress or trying to do too much. Heart pain!

I think most of us know heart pain, I know I do, but not the physical kind Granny was having that day. My heart has hurt for emotional reasons, like missing my granddaughter Anna and others I've loved who have passed away or are gone from my life for different reasons. Most people suffer that kind of heart pain in their lives and I'm sure Granny has too. I know she has. I saw it etched on her face as she lay in the hospital bed, sleeping.

As I looked at those lines on her face, I knew that some might say she's just old and wrinkled, but that's not what I saw. I saw lines that told me how much she suffered when she lost her mother as a little girl, then her father just a year after that. I saw lines that show the worry and care she must have felt as she carried her own children and gave birth, praying she would be there to raise them and see them into adulthood, unlike her parents. I saw lines from the deep pain and grief she had to feel as she watched her young husband, the father of her first three small children as he slowly died of cancer, fearing that they were nearing her fate of being orphaned at an early age. There were more lines from the hurt and worry she felt as she watched her fourth child, her second daughter go through the agony of losing her first two children, twin daughters as a result of a complicated pregnancy and premature birth. Some of those lines came from concern and worry and grief over Anna and the hurt she felt for Anna's mother Jamie, my daughter and her granddaughter as she said a final goodbye to that sweet and irreplaceable 16 year old child. Certainly some of those lines came from caring for her second husband, who depended on her later in life as he dealt with Alzheimer's and other health issues. There are lines that surely came from the pain of losing each of her siblings that grew to adulthood with her, as they passed away one by one until she was left alone, the last remaining member of her generation. There are lines for each of her friends that she's lost along the way, either to death or distance caused by old age. There are lines that must come from pain that neither I, nor others know anything about, pain she's kept to herself, hurts and difficulties in her life known only to her. Some of those lines come from being strong through difficult times and being strong for others... doing the best she could, always working hard, always providing, always too proud to ask for help or assistance.

No, I didn't see old age or just wrinkles when I looked at her face that day in the hospital. I saw love, I saw experience, I saw the woman who shaped my life. I only wish everyone could see what I saw.

Soon to be 90 - Aged To Perfection

 My family held a birthday party for my mother last weekend to celebrate her upcoming 90th birthday. We came from near and far, mostly far as only Mom and one of my brothers, his wife and son still live in the area where we grew up. There are still cousins there but the majority of mom's direct descendants came from Florida, Louisiana, Texas, the Carolinas and Missouri to honor her on this special occasion.

We held the party at my brothers home and had over 100 people join us for hamburgers, hot dogs, just plain fun as the kids climbed trees, rock piles, took pictures, hiked around the farm and pond area and even the adults enjoyed the games that were set up. We took many pictures, including shots of each of the four descending family lines. We had all four of her children, all but one grandchild, all but four great grandchildren and all of her great-greats were there.

Here's mom looking out at us lined up along the lane to my brother's house, singing happy birthday to her as my younger sister drove her in.

 Many of the grandkids greeted her, some in tears, some in humor as she and granddaughter Missi, show their kindred spirit in the photo above! This photo was a favorite on Facebook!

This is a picture of the photo quilt my sister made for mom for this occasion. It is massive and full of memories in the form of pictures from family and friends over the years.

 This is a picture of Mom with each of her four children. From left to right as you look at the photo are my sister Robin, mom seated, me on her left. Brothers Jim and Alan are in the back.

This is a picture of her entire line of descendants, in-laws and a couple of future family members as two of her great-granddaughters are engaged to be married. I'm sorry we couldn't all be there but we were close, closer than I thought we would be in the beginning of the planning process. There are so many more pictures that I could post here, but these will do for now. 

So happy 90th Mom. Your family loves you!

Six Word Saturday

 

Super Bowl weekend; food, fun, football

Six Word Saturday

 

aging gracefully, not in my vocabulary