That's Enough Of That
Yesterday was a strange day for me. It was our first father's day without Dad and the day of Margaret's funeral. Mom and I discussed a few sweet memories of Dad and I came to terms with being about 750 miles from my friend and the service that would lay her body to it's final resting place on this earth. After agonizing over whether to cut short my trip home to Indiana, which had already been delayed due to Margaret's condition, I decided to remain here with mom. I had much encouragement to do so from people I love and respect, including family, friends and my pastor and assistant pastor, both of whom I count as friends as well as spiritual mentors. I know that Margaret herself would have told me to stay here with mom. Her family had encouraged me to continue my plans before I left. I knew the risk when I left and thought I was prepared to deal with it if it happened but it was much harder than I thought. But that's enough of that.
Mom and I still plan to go to Tennessee as we would normally have done over Memorial Day weekend, but even that may be out of the picture now as well. Mom is struggling a bit with her health too. She is not at immediate risk, but has heart trouble and is becoming more unsteady on her feet. We're thinking she may have had a mini stroke at some point although nothing has been done to confirm that. She's as vital and active as she can be under those conditions but she is much weaker than the woman I've known my whole life. It's difficult to become the care giver to someone who took care of your every need for years and was your rock throughout your whole life yet at the same time it is a privilege to do so for someone you love so much. But that's enough of that.
It is peaceful here with mom, even though the garden and flower beds have been pared down to just a few easily maintained plants and some potted plants on the front porch. She still has the bird feeders and enjoys them and the squirrels that frolic in her yard. There are a few rabbits from time to time as well. The squirrels and rabbits are fat, obviously well fed from the feed put out for them and from the neighborhood gardens they raid on those occasions when nobody is there to run them off. Butterflies flitter by often and the hum of bees can be heard as they pull the nectar from those few remaining plants. Her neighbors love her and look out for her and it is comforting to know that she lives somewhere that people still notice each other and would know if something was wrong. One of my brothers lives about 15 minutes away and he keeps a regular check on her as well. I hope and pray that she can stay here until the end of her life but even with caring neighbors and a loving son close by that may not be possible. But that's enough of that.
This strange mood leads me to thinking, to pondering life and it's meaning and I always find that understanding this life is impossible and beyond me. The circle of life will complete itself with or without my ability to grasp it's purpose. The world goes on in spite of everything that I question or feel uncertain about and that always leads me back to feeling that it isn't me, or us, that is in control. My belief and my trust in God is always reinforced as much by what I don't understand as what I have been taught about God. Somehow, I think if He were to call out to me in a booming voice, he would say... 'that's enough of that...'
I think I'll go out and enjoy this day!
Mom and I still plan to go to Tennessee as we would normally have done over Memorial Day weekend, but even that may be out of the picture now as well. Mom is struggling a bit with her health too. She is not at immediate risk, but has heart trouble and is becoming more unsteady on her feet. We're thinking she may have had a mini stroke at some point although nothing has been done to confirm that. She's as vital and active as she can be under those conditions but she is much weaker than the woman I've known my whole life. It's difficult to become the care giver to someone who took care of your every need for years and was your rock throughout your whole life yet at the same time it is a privilege to do so for someone you love so much. But that's enough of that.
It is peaceful here with mom, even though the garden and flower beds have been pared down to just a few easily maintained plants and some potted plants on the front porch. She still has the bird feeders and enjoys them and the squirrels that frolic in her yard. There are a few rabbits from time to time as well. The squirrels and rabbits are fat, obviously well fed from the feed put out for them and from the neighborhood gardens they raid on those occasions when nobody is there to run them off. Butterflies flitter by often and the hum of bees can be heard as they pull the nectar from those few remaining plants. Her neighbors love her and look out for her and it is comforting to know that she lives somewhere that people still notice each other and would know if something was wrong. One of my brothers lives about 15 minutes away and he keeps a regular check on her as well. I hope and pray that she can stay here until the end of her life but even with caring neighbors and a loving son close by that may not be possible. But that's enough of that.
This strange mood leads me to thinking, to pondering life and it's meaning and I always find that understanding this life is impossible and beyond me. The circle of life will complete itself with or without my ability to grasp it's purpose. The world goes on in spite of everything that I question or feel uncertain about and that always leads me back to feeling that it isn't me, or us, that is in control. My belief and my trust in God is always reinforced as much by what I don't understand as what I have been taught about God. Somehow, I think if He were to call out to me in a booming voice, he would say... 'that's enough of that...'
I think I'll go out and enjoy this day!
Labels: Family, Friends, Parents, Reflection
3 Comments:
Your mom's house sounds like a wonderful place, and you right well about it. blessings to you
I wish I was there, wish I could help with Mom and her health conditions. I thank God that you are there now since Mom fell. I hope to be up there real soon.
"A Time for Every Season:" would be a good title; I'm so sorry for your earthly loss. I experienced a similar situation with my Grandmother's death in 2005. How could I miss my Grandma's funeral one might ask? I live in Alabama (long drive but I've made it myself several times in years past.) I am afflicted physically with Parkinson's Disease (THEY - Hubby's side - don't allow me to drive longer than a couple of hours due to sudden weakness attacks provocated by PD meds but I find ways around it all.) The funeral was held on a very snowy, 'white out conditions day' in Indiana when the funeral directors couldn't even lower the burial vault into the ground until the next week after it warmed up. (Couldn't I have flown in upon hearing of her physical demise to be with my Momma and family - yeah, but I had been supeanoed to testify in court; my testimony was to be given the same hour as the funeral in an Alabama court room.)
The devil runs about giving us many excuses to NOT do the things we OUGHT to do and has a way of making us 'guilt-riden' that we (individually) are responsible for the cause of our feelings and not the effects of why we feel the way we do. Example: My feelings of sorrow and hurt, helplessness and disempowerment were the effects of losing my Grandmother. The devil wanted me to believe that the reason for my apparent lack of 'love,' apathy to a family emotional crisis, and the subsequent absence of my Grandma Eva's funeral was due to the above fleshly, carnal reasons. Since he is the father of lies and such a superb manipulator, he could have easily persuaded me to believe such trash about myself. Pehaps that is just the reason I haven't shared the truth about it all until now.
Yes, Marsha, I came to visit your site because of the name - very few people in the south spell Marsha with an 'sh' - it's usually 'cia.' But more than likely it's because the LORD wanted me to read your post about Margaret and come to grips with my recent 'guilt-riden' past.
Another day, another story is the real reason I did not attend Grandma's funeral. The skiiny version is this: I had said my 'good-byes' at Thanksgiving time while visiting her in the nursing home. Dimentia/ALsheimer's kept her from recognizing me except for a very brief 30 seconds of familial cordialities when she expressed her love towards me and her desire to "Go HOME" to be with the FATHER. Then she was lost again in that earthly body - trapped inside with all the physical fleshly sorrows we endure here with no one to share them with her (in her mind so it seemed.)
From that moment until her death during her sleep on January 15th, I prayed fervently for GOD the JUST ONE to grant her wish to go HOME and be with HIM... to ease her pains and take her gently HOME to her reward - the MANSION prepared in her honor for being a faithful and productive servant until her physical (and mental) end. I received exactly what I had prayed so desparately for, and although my feelings of loss, missing Grandma are still so vivid, so raw, so painful, my heart rejoices as I KNOW she waits for the day when I will go to my reward....perhaps we'll be so joyful and busy glorifying HIM that she'll forget one of the most important character traits she taught me by way of her sweet most GODLY example - to be thankful for ALL GOOD THINGS... to be gracious enough to thank me for sweet supplications to our GOOD FATHER on her behalf. In spite and to the dismay of the devil.
Thank you for allowing me to witness to you and your friends and readers. Margaret KNOWS that you were there and she might express that one day when you see her again in eternity. More than likely y'all will be busy! Until then, Be quiet within your soul (Hab 2:20) and let the LORD work HIS mighty works upon us. BE STRONG, Marshe, for our shared name - MARSHA spelled with an 'sh' means Brave Heart - we have alot to live up to!
And remember, "To everything there is a season and a purpose under heaven..."
SEMPER FIdelis,
Marsha
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